So, this week’s story will seem a bit premature when you read the introduction (which you MUST!), because it was originally written the week after Easter. Since we here in 2012 still have a few weeks to go until Easter, you will all have to use your imaginations real hard to put yourself in the Easter mood a little early. I’m sure you’ll manage.
This week’s Classic is also noteworthy because it introduced two of the lesser known “rules” here at the club: 1) the rule of misspellings (which I disclaim in the introduction and have left in for this re-publication because I find them funny in the wake of the disclaimer), and 2) the rule of lying. You’ll see what I mean.
We’re wily here at the club, and always have been.
Subject: THE LITTLE BUNNY . . . (story #5)
Date: Mon, 4 Apr 94 23:05:01 EST
BRO-MAN’S STORY OF THE WEEK
Howdy there, kids, and apologies in advance for any misspellings and what-not you may encounter this weeek, but we here at the club have been staring at a computer screen all day, and we’re tired of it, so we’re gonna try typing the entire story without looking at the screen or even the keyboard for that matter.
Wish us luck.
This week’s story, in celebration ogf Easter being last weekend and all, is about a furry little bunny rabbit and his best friend who is, by chance, a hideous gargoyle.
THE LITTLE BUNNY RABBIT AND THE HIDEOUS GARGOYLE
Once upon a time, there was a little bunny rabbit named Maxwell. He liked to eat carrots. That really doesn’t have anything to do with story, but it’s sort of a bunny thing, so I thought I’d mention it, in case you didn’t believe that he really was a bunny rabbit.
In the forest where Maxwell lived, there was, inexplicably, a big dark castle on a hill. On the castle parapets, there were gargoyles. Now, nobody knew why, but one dark and rainy Thursday, one of the gargoyles came to life. This confused him quite a bit. First thing he did was fall off the castle, and seeing as how it was a pretty tall castle, it hurt. So he sat there a minute trying to figure out what was going on. “Now, just a second,” he said to himself, “I don’t remember ever being alive before.”
Just then, Maxwell hopped up to the gargoyle. “Jeepers,” he said, “you look just like a gargoyle.”
The gargoyle looked at him, not knowing what to say (he’d just come to life, remember, so he had a fairly limited vocabulary). Finally, he said “Guh?”
So, Maxwell said, “Is that your name?”
The gargoyle, still unable to master actual speech, decided to string together some syllables in response, to see what would happen, and, oddly enough, he said, “Why yes it is.”
“Oh,” said Maxwell, “nice to meet you, Guh. My name is Maxwell.”
“Maxwell.” said the gargoyle.
“Say,” said Maxwell, “you sure are hideous.”
“Guh.” said the gargoyle.
So, Maxwell took the gargoyle home with him to play. After hanging out with Maxwell for a while, the gargoyle was speaking fluently.
“Say, Maxwell, old bean,” he said after an hour or so, “ might you have a little something to nibble on?”
“well, let’s see . . . “ Maxwell began.
Just then, a huge flash of lightning burst across the sky, and a Wizard appeared right in front of Maxwell and the gargoyle. “I am Pooftah, the Wizard!!!” he shouted.
“No need to yell, my good man,” said Guh, “we’re standing right here.”
Pooftah looked down. “Um, oh, excuse me.” he said.
“Want a carrot?” Maxwell asked.
“I thought carrots didn’t have anything to do with the story.” Pooftah said.
“Oops, my mistake,” Maxwell said.
“I’ll have one,” said Guh.
“So, whatya want?” Maxwell asked the wizard.
“Well,” said Pooftah, “ this afternoon, I cast a spell to bring a gargoyle to life, and now I can’t find him anywhere. Have you seen him?”
Guh looked amused. “Why, you silly twit,” he said, “I am a gargoyle. Can’t you see that?”
Pooftah looked at Guh for a moment, and then said, “Why, so you are. I didn’t recognize you, what with the speaking and all.”
Guh slapped his hand over his mouth. “Oops.” he said (only since he had his hand over mouth, it sounded more like “oop” with a fart noise after it).
Maxwell put his hands on his hips. “What do you want with him?” he asked, indignantly.
“Why I want to perform terrible experiments on him, of course.” said Pooftah, rubbing his hands together.
“No!” shouted ZMaxwell, “you can’t! He’s my best friend!”
“Oh, shut up,” said Pooftah, “you rabbits get so emotional sometimes.”
“Oh, go to hell.” said Maxwell.
“What if I don’t want to be experimented on?” asked Guh (only he still had his hand over his mouth, so no one understood him).
“What?” said Pooftah.
Guh took his hands off of his mouth to ask his question more coherently, but at that very moment, a butterfly landed on Pooftah’s nose. Without a moment’s hesitation, Pooftah blew his own nose off with a magic thunderbolt. It only took a moment for him to realize how stupid this was, and he began to howl in pain.
“Gosh,” said Maxwell, “looks like that smarts.”
“To say the least,” agreed Guh.
“Howl!” said Pooftah.
“Anything we can do?” asked Maxwell.
Pooftah stopped howling and looked at him. “You mean, you would help me even though I just threatened to perform horrible experiments on you best friend?”
Maxwell smiled at Pooftah. A warm, friendly bunny smile. A smile that said there was good in the world.
“No,” he said, “ I was just asking.”
Then Maxwell and Guh went inside and ate carrots while Pooftah bled to death.
The Moral of the story is: Don’t always believe an author who says that carrots don’t have anything to do with his story.
Well, there you go. Hope you liked this week’s story. Just cuz it would suck if you hated it or something.