Well, howdy doody to you, friends and neighbors. This week’s SotWC Classic really requires no introduction.
Subject: JELLY-BEAN FACE (story #4)
Date: Mon, 28 Mar 94 20:06:13 EST
BRO-MAN’S STORY OF THE WEEK
Hello, and welcome, dear readers. See, we told you we’d be on time this week! Now, without further delay, let’s get to our story . . .
This weeks story is a bit more light-hearted than last week’s tale of sorrow. . We thought perhaps we should lift the mood a little here at the club and do something (dare we say it?) silly. So this week’s story is about a man who had a jelly-bean for a nose.
Once upon a time, there was a man named Alexander. He had a jelly-bean for a nose. It was a red jelly-bean. He looked like a clown. Everybody made fun of him. They called him “Jelly-bean Face.” Actually, most people didn’t even know that his name was Alexander. Nope, they just called him “Jelly-bean Face.”
One day, as Alexander was driving home from a hard day’s work at the local noodle factory, he heard someone shouting to him at a red light.
“Hey, Jelly-bean Face!” the man in the next car shouted at him, “how’s that Jelly-bean smell? Har har har!”
“Like cherry flavoring!” Alexander yelled back.
The man stopped laughing. “Oh.” he said.
Not long after that, Alexander was taking his weekly paycheck to the bank. When he opened the door and walked inside, he saw a man with a gun holding up the place. As Alexander walked through the door, the man turned around yelled, “YOU!” Get up against the . . . Oh my God, is that a Jelly-bean you have for a nose?”
Alexander was very flustered, what with having a gun pointed at him, so he said “No!”
The robber became confused. “Are you sure?” he said, “I swear, it looks just like a jelly bean.”
Alexander choked under pressure. “No!” he shouted again, “it’s not a jelly-bean! It’s a . . . It’s a cantaloupe!”
The robber’s eyes got really wide. “A . . . a what?!” he said, lowering the gun.
“It’s a cantaloupe!” Alexander screamed, “a cantaloupe, a cantaloupe! A big, ripe, squishy, orange and red polka-dotted cantaloupe! Don’t you have eyes?! Can’t you SEE?! It’s a giant cantaloupe that smells like cherry flavoring!!!”
This was too much for the robber. He dropped the gun and sat on the floor. He began playing with his lip, making a noise kind of like “bl-bl-bl-bl-bl-bl-bl-bl-bl”
Alexander looked at the man on the floor. He looked at all the people in the bank. Suddenly, everyone began to clap. Just then the police came through the door and saw the robber playing with his lip on the floor.
“Wow,” said one policeman, “how did this happen? And why the hell is everyone clapping?”
Everyone was speechless. All they could do was point at Alexander.
The policeman turned to Alexander. “You did this?” he asked.
“Um, yes, I guess I did,” said Alexander, proudly.
The policeman smiled and extended his hand. “Well, that’s just great,” he said. “What we need is more citizens like you (hey, you got something red on yer nose, there). If everyone took this sort of courageous action, well, the world would be a better place. What’s your name, son?”
“Alexander,” Alexander said, “Alexander Potterflitch.”
“Well, Mr. Potterflitch, I think you deserve to get a medal.”
And so he did. The very next day, the mayor of the town presented Alexander with a medal for bravery.
And after that fateful day at the bank, when Alexander saved the whole town from losing it’s money, and perhaps even saved a few lives, well, nobody ever called him “Jelly-bean Face” again.
They all called him “Cantaloupe Face.”
So, there you go, kids. Hope you learned a thing or two this week. About thwarting bank robberies, I mean.