Hey howdy hey, neighborinos. So, here we come to the end of the “Jim and Jym” saga and, much like the original published introduction, I have very little to say about it.
Subject: JIM AND JYM part III (story #12)
Date: Mon, 12 Sep 94 15:05:08 EDT
BRO MAN’S STORY OF THE WEEK
So, here we are again.
(Yes, that’s the whole greeting for this week, deal with it.)
Okay, it’s time for the final installment of the saga of Jim and Jym. Is this a good thing or a bad thing? I don’t know. You tell me.
As you may or may not recall, last week’s installment ended when the plane that Jim and Jym were stranded in crashed into a mountain and blew up. What a cliffhanger. Let’s see what happens . . .
JIM AND JYM AND THE TREASURE OF THE BIG MOUNTAIN
Of course, I meant “blew up” in the strictly emotional sense. Did I mention that it was a cartoon plane? Yes, his name was Alfonse, and boy, was he pissed at having been crashed into a mountain.
“Ow, dammit!” he screamed at the top of his lungs as Jim and Jym crawled dazedly from the cockpit. “You ran me into a freaking mountain! Is that any way to treat a plane!? I mean, for God’s sake, if I was a REAL plane, you’d be DEAD, now, you fools! You idiots! YOU IMBECILES!”
Jim and Jym sat down on the snow-capped summit and pouted.
“Who the hell taught you how to fly a plane, anyway?” Alfonse snapped.
Jim looked up. “Uh, no one,” he replied, not a little bitterly, “the pilot bailed out about twenty minutes ago.”
“Just like a stupid-ass plane,” Jym mumbled, “to not even notice when the damn pilot takes a powder.”
“Excuse me?” Alfonse bellowed. “I don’t have eyes in my own cockpit! How was I supposed to notice that the pilot jumped?”
Jym jumped up. “Because once he jumped, he wasn’t IN the cockpit anymore!!!” he shouted, as his face turned bright red.
“Well, so sorry,” Alfonse sniffed, “I was sort of facing FORWARD, looking where I was going!”
“Well you sure as hell did a bang-up job on THAT one, buddy boy!” Jym shouted at the plane.
“Hey, hey, hey!” Jim yelled before Alfonse could respond.”What’s wrong with you two? We shouldn’t be fighting, we should be figuring out how to get off this mountain.”
“Well, why doesn’t engine-breath here just fly us off, since he’s obviously getting along just ducky.” griped Jym.
“Ah, go to hell,” Alfonse said, frowning, “I can’t anyway. My engine’s all busted up.”
“You’re a cartoon,” Jym said, bewildered, “how does a cartoon’s engine get busted up?”
Alfonse sniffed. “You just wouldn’t understand,” he said.
“All right, listen,” Jim said, “let’s get shaking.”
“I already am,” said Jym, “it’s snowing up here, in case you hadn’t noticed.”
Jim looked at him condescendingly, and Alfonse shook his head. “I mean,” Jim said very slowly, “that we need to figure out how to get off this mountain.”
They looked around them. They were on a shelf of rock that appeared to go all the way around the mountain. Beneath that, it appeared to drop away sharply on all sides. They decided to walk around the shelf looking for a way down.
Before long they had gone a little more than halfway around the mountain. Jim looked down despairingly. “I’m beginning to think that we’re just gonna have to jump,” he said.
“What, are you crazy?” said Alfonse, turning furiously towards Jim. “We’re at least a thousand feet in the air!”
“What are you whining about?” snorted Jym, “you’re a damn plane.”
Alfonse shrugged. “I’m afraid of heights,” he said, matter of factly.
“It’s okay,” Jim said, “I’ve seen it done before. You can do it as long as you understand the laws of gravitvity and polarity.”
Jym looked at Jim like he was crazy, and looked down the mountain. “Okay,” he said finally, “let’s do it.”
They all squeezed their eyes shut and tensed themselves for the jump. Jim began to count “One. . . “ he said, and they all bent forward, “. . . two . . . “ they threw their arms back to give themselves momentum. . . .
And then they heard a voice from around the side of the mountain.
“Hello?” it called. “I say, is someone there?”
They all turned around, awestruck.
“Oh my gosh!” whispered Jim.
“What the hell was tha-AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhh . . . !” said Alfonse as he lost his footing and fell off the mountain.
“Who’s there?” the voice called again.
Jim and Jym turned to each other and cried in unison, “it’s Maurice!”
In the bowels of a cave inside the Big Mountain, Maurice was sure he had heard something outside. Something that didn’t sound like the hideous creature that was holding him hostage. So he had yelled. Now, he heard something running through the cave towards him.
“I say, who is it?” he cried, straining against the ropes that bound him to the small, uncomfortable wicker chair. He saw shadows just around the corner coming closer. “And, whoever you are,” he continued, “I suppose I ought to warn you of the thousand foot deep ravine just before me around the corner!”
Just then, Jim and Jym burst from around the bend in the cave. Jim had just enough time to say “What did you say?” before sailed out over the ravine. Just behind him, Jym stopped two inches short of going over.
In the air, Jim’s hands flailed wildly, and finally found a small, yet terribly convenient strand of vine hanging from the roof of the cave. He grabbed ahold of it, and hung there, suspended in mid-air.
“Are you all right?” Jym asked.
“Oh, sure,” said Jim, “never been better.”
Jym smiled. “Oh, that’s good,” he said, and then shouted across the ravine, “hey, Maurice, how’s it going?”
“Well,” Maurice said, shrugging, “I believe that I have been better, but nothing springs to mind.”
“Gee, that’s a shame,” said Jym, “me, I remember this one time I met this great girl named Flybutt, she was just coming off a relationship with some guy who eventually got hit by some farmer driving a truck. . . but that’s another story. Anyway, so what are you doing here?”
“I daresay I’ve been kidnapped,” Maurice said, “and by a horrible beast at that. I do believe he was planning to eat me, but the other day, he tripped and fell into that thousand foot deep ravine. I’ve been sitting here ever since.” Suddenly, his face brightened. “ I say, I suppose this means that you got my message, didn’t you? My clever coordinates led you right to me, eh? Smashing!”
Jym sighed. “Maurice, if we’d followed your coordinates . . . Oh, never mind. Do you have any idea how to get out of here?”
“Not the slightest,” was the reply.
“Geez, I guess that means we’re stuck here,” Jym lamented.
Maurice thought a moment. “Yes,” he said, after a while,” I suppose it does.”
Over the ravine, Jim cleared his throat. “Ahem. A-Hem. Ahhhhccchhhem.”
“You say something?” Jym asked.
“Nope,” said Jim, “just a little phlegm.”
Well, there you go, dear readers. The three part saga. What did you think? Was the mini-series a good idea or a bad idea? Yes, that’s right, I’m asking for reader responses, even though I know nobody’s going to write. I just do it to fool myself into thinking there’s actually people out there.
Well, next week, we’re back to the usual stupidity at the club. Unlike all this new-style stupidity we’ve been having lately.
I just want to add one final note concerning another thing that makes me like the “Jim and Jym” saga so much: I’m pretty sure it’s the only 3-part mini-series ever where the second installment ends with the heroes dying in a plane crash and the final installment ends with a (literal) cliffhanger. I am so cutting edge, it’s a crime.