Ah, the memories. As you’ll no doubt notice at the beginning of the introduction to this week’s “SotWC Classic,” it is not a recent development that the story be delayed for some (usually inane) reason. It started way back with Story #3. So, that means I’m kind of consistent, right? Although lateness, by its very nature, is inconsistent. Is it possible to be consistently inconsistent?
That’s right, we ask the tough questions here at the club. Now, let’s get to this week’s Classic, “The Tale of Sorrow,” shall we?
Subject: The Tale of Sorrow (Story #3)
Date: Tue, 22 Mar 94 19:15:12 EST
Well, sorry, faithful readers, for the delay. Time got away from all of us here at the club, so this weeks story is coming to you a day late. Please, no letters of complaint. we know we’ve dissappointed you, but, hey it was only one day after all. Get over it.
This weeks story is a tale of Sorrow. Read it and weep. Or don’t weep, if you’re really insensitive.
THE TALE OF SORROW
Once there was a small chipmunk who lived in a shaded glen in the forest. He enjoyed gathering nuts and jumping playfully from tree to tree. He was content with life, but periodically, he wished for more. You see, nobody would come and play with this chipmunk. Nobody would be friends with him. Nobody even said hello to him as they passed him on the ground. They all thought he was bad luck. Why, you ask, did they think that? Because this happy little chipmunk was named Sorrow.
You see, Sorrow’s mother had died giving birth to him, and his father had died shortly after of grief. That was when his Aunt Bellacose had decided to name him Sorrow (don’t even ask how she got HER name). He had lived with his aunt until he was old enough to strike out on his own, at which point he moved to th tree next door. Not long afterwards, Aunt Bellacose had died in a bizarre boating accident and Sorrow had been alone.
Now, one day, as Sorrow was out gathering nuts (as he was prone to do, being a chipmunk and all), he saw a female chipmunk two trees down. She was romping happily about, singing a song about partridges. Not that she’d ever seen a partridge, her mother had taught her the song. It was an easy song to learn, the only lyrics were: “Look there’s a partridge, wow man!” But the tune was so beautiful . . . Anyway, that’s not the point, the point is that Sorrow found this girl chipmunk terribly attractive. He was shy, though and didn’t know if he should approach her. Just then, a big squirrell came up behind Sorrow and bellowed “What are you doing spying on that little girl!? You badly named little thing, you!”
Sorrow jumped back, startled, and the girl stopped singing. “Gee,” said Sorrow, “I wasn’t spying, I just saw the girl and thought she was cute so I decided to stay here and look at her for awhile, even though she didn’t know I was here looking at her and . . . Say, come to think of it, I guess that IS spying. Gosh durnit.”
The litle girl walked up to Sorrow and said, “You think I’m cute?”
Sorrow looked into her big brown eyes, smiled, and affectionately said, “Briffle pig.” (He was tongue-tied on account of his being so shy and all.)
At that, the big squirrell grabbed Sorrow by the scruff of the neck (I don’t know if chipmunks HAVE a scruff of the neck, but we went all through this creative liscense thing in “Rotten-apple-core day” so deal with it), and looked him square in the eye. “You’re bad news, kid,” he said, “everybody knows it, and it’s cuz of yer name. any kid named Sorrow has to be bad news. And it doesn’t help that you go around sayin’ ‘briffle pig’ to innocent young girls.”
Big tears welled up in Sorrow’s eyes. “Please don’t kill me!” he wailed.
Just then, the girl jumped on the squirrel’s back and screeched “Put him down, ass-face, or I’ll tear your head off!!!!”
Well, this just surprised the hell out of everybody (including the girl; she didn’t know until that moment that she had any violent tendancies at all), so the squirrell dropped Sorrow, and the girl jumped off the squirrell’s back and everyone stood there looking stupid for a few minutes. After a while, the squirrell peed his pants (yes, he was wearing pants, they were little squirrell pants from J.C. Penny’s squirrell line). He wasn’t sure why he had done this, but by golly, he was sure embarrassed. So he left.
Then the girl turned to Sorrow. “You really think I’m cute?” she asked.
“Yup,” said Sorrow, shuffling his feet.
“Golly,” she said, “nobody ever thought I was cute before.”
“Wow,” said Sorrow, “nobody? Not anyone ever?”
“Well, you don’t need to rub it in.” she said.
Two weeks later, they had a big chipmunk wedding, and everybody in the whole forest came to it, because they weren’t afraid of Sorrow anymore, because when the girl found out what his name was, she made him get it legally changed to “Everybody’s Best Friend.”
(See, the part you were supposed to weep at was the wedding at the end. Everybody cries at weddings.)
Well, hope you enjoyed this week’s story. See you next week when we present . . . a story.
We’ll be on time next week! Thanks for reading!